Hey conservatives! Republican Jesus here. With Christmas on the way, and the possibility that you might meet a heathen, a gay, a lesbian, or an environmentalist, I want to remind you to stick to your G.O.D.S. (Yes, plural, just like it is in Genesis until we changed our minds and settled on the one god concept.):

Guns are always more important than school children. (Most people are liberal until they escape education anyway.)

Oil is more important than worrying about journalists being tortured and dismembered. (Brutal Saudi Arabian princes are our friends. Journalists are scum.)

Deny global warming and embrace greed. (My messenger, the Holy Donald Trump, understands science better than anyone. He knows that it has already snowed in multiple locations, and it’s not even officially winter! What good is a planet without oodles of money for God’s chosen white Christian males?)

Small mindedness gets you into heaven. (’Tis the season to feign outrage if someone dares wish you “Happy Holidays” or if two lesbians kiss during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.)

Thanks for stopping by. Stick to your G.O.D.S. and you will please the Republican Jesus and join me in heaven—where you can sing praises to me for eternity. And for the conservative men reading this: don’t forget that I made you the superior sex. If you get drunk over Christmas and feel the urge to grab some pussy or pin a woman on a bed and grind against her, that’s okay. Who knows? I might even pick you to be the next U.S. president or Supreme Court justice!

With love of guns and all that is holy,

The Republican Jesus