“Psst . . . Hey, ammosexuals and fetish patriots . . . Republican Jesus here. Sorry to have to hide in your refrigerator like this, but I have a super-secret message for you that has to remain just between you and me. I know you have two major fantasies:

“Your first fantasy is that you will be in a movie theater or a school when there’s a mass shooting, and you will get to play James Bond, take down the shooter, and impress the girls who otherwise wouldn’t look at you. Well, unfortunately, James Bond is a British agent and Führer Trump has declared the UK, which is still part of the European Union, a “foe.” Obviously, you can’t play a foe. Playing Dr. Evil is still an option, however.

“Your second fantasy is to pretend you are one of the Wolverines in the movie Red Dawn. Sorry that is now out of the question as well. Führer Trump has switched sides, so you must do so too. On the bright side, think of it like your Civil War reenactments, when you play a Confederate soldier. Now, when you reenact Red Dawn, you can pretend you’re a Russian soldier and shoot one of those pesky Wolverines.

“Finally, your NRA membership is still good. Everyone still thinks the initials mean National Rifle Association, but just between you and me, they now mean National Russian Association.”