Nature photography, political rants, and Martyman laughs from the ten-time award-winning author of "Cool Creatures, Hot Planet" and "Endangered Edens."

Republicans: Watch out for killer vending machines!

Marty Essen

America, are you scared yet? I’m not talking about all the bullshit the Republican Party wants us to be scared of. I’m talking about the fact that so many millions of Americans fall for conservative doomsday crap without questioning it at all. That’s what is truly scary!

Just because Donald Trump starts his nomination acceptance speech by saying he’s going to present “the truth, and nothing else,” doesn’t mean he actually researched what he was about to say. I love all the different fact checkers available today that totally destroy Donald Trump’s version of the truth (the Associated Press fact checker is especially good).

But for some reason, none of the fact checkers I saw mentioned Trump’s biggest lie: His claim that we need to “completely rebuild our depleted military.”

Here are the facts: The United States currently spends roughly 50% of its discretionary budget on the military. In total dollars, we spend more on our military than the next seven most powerful countries combined.

Knowing that, I would like to ask the Republicans: Just how much more do you expect us to pay for our military? What does it take to make you cowards feel safe?

Here’s another fact: Between 2002 and 2015, vending machines killed an average of 2.2 Americans a year, and Islamic terrorists killed an average of 3.2 Americans a year. And unlike Islamic terrorists, vending machines have already invaded every single town in America.

And as Republicans frequently complain, “the mainstream media doesn’t report the facts.” Consequently, it’s quite possible that vending machines have killed many more people, and the media just blamed it on a nearby espresso machine, washing machine, or voting machine.

So to any Republican reading this: Be careful if you venture out from your underground bomb shelter today. Those vending machines are going to hunt you down!

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