Nature photography, political rants, and Martyman laughs from the ten-time award-winning author of "Cool Creatures, Hot Planet," "Endangered Edens," and the "Time Is Irreverent" series.

Martyman watches the Republican National Convention

Martyman Pills

Hi! Martyman here. I’m filling in on this blog for Marty Essen, who has taken the night off to be with his wife, Deb. As a patriotic person, Marty believes it’s every citizen’s duty to watch both the Republican and Democratic National Conventions. However, his definition of “patriotism” seems to be looser than most, as he seems to think it counts if he has me (his stunt double) watch for him.

At first I agreed to help Marty, as he bribed me with a scantily-dressed Melania Trump doll (a black market copy, of course), but I had no idea what a difficult job this would be. I mean, who knew that a convention could be so full of reality-challenged people? Hell, I’m a talking-typing action figure, and I’m more reality based then the Republican speakers are!

Anyway, when Marty and Deb took off, I killed the bottle of Tanqueray gin he left me (see my earlier photo), moved on to the Puerto Rican rum and these pills. Even higher than a kite, watching the GOP Hatefest is still like finger nails on a chalkboard.

But I’ve learned something interesting: Did you know that if you drink two bottles of booze, and mix in just the right amount of pills, that old YouTube videos of Sarah Palin speeches actually make sense? And I thought they were just word salad.

Okay, back to watching the Republican National Convention. Oh, wait! I think there’s another drop of rum in this bottle.

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